| Posters |
[Dec. 8th, 2008|12:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  angry | ] |
Okay now it has gone too far, someone has to act and it might as well be me, Cutting Satire Boy. Just a little backstory before we begin.
We have cleaners who supposedly clean the hallway and our kitchen, which is shared between me and 5 other guys. Okay, we leave the bins in a mess from time to time, but so what. Our accomodation fees include (I'm lead to believe) having cleaners come round to take the bins out, 'clean the kitchen' (arrange our piles of dirty shit into tidier piles of dirty shit) and for reasons unbeknownst to me, the cold hearted raiding of our posters.
Big, awesome, expensive, shiny posters that we got during freshers week to make our off-the-radar detention facility seem more homely. With bars on our windows, a single hanging bulb to illuminate our room and with a common room to rival the comforting homeliness of a lethal execution chamber, we thought it was only fair to put some posters up about the place, such as this very dashing Chuck Norris poster
Even an inbred chimp could recognise that a poster is there to be looked at and to make things more lively. An inbred chimp could equally recognise that if said poster was not, purely hypothetically, in the exact spot that it has been for the past two months and it was, for example, lying on the floor underneath the aforementioned spot that the poster had fallen down.
This inbred chimp would then realise this, and put the poster back on the wall, feeling better about himself at having done a good deed. If a girl guide drops her hat, it does not gain the repulsive attributes of a turd and must be discarded at the first oppertunity, it gets picked up.
If we're paying cleaners to clean up, I wouldn't mind if they cleaned once in a while. Maybe clearing up the HP sauce mess that was made in the same hallway instead of stepping around it to get to our poor fallen-down poster. That's £21 worth of posters that have been taken from our halls now
These stealth swipes have occured during the morning, usually between 9 and 10, either when we're asleep or at lectures. When we get up, poster is there, admittedly on the floor but we figured we'll put it back up when we get back. An hour later, no poster. They'd come in, removed the old bin liner, put a new one in and SWIPED OUR FUCKING POSTER.
Here is a picture of how sad and barren our wall looks :(
I left a nice letter asking them to give our posters back on the front door to our house as a nice reminder to give our posters back, plus a cunning little graphic just in case their diseased foreign brains can't comprehend our language
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| The Girlfriend Game |
[Nov. 30th, 2008|01:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
I came up with a fun game in bed this morning. Basically, whenever sarah shouted my name because I'd purposefully stolen all of the duvet or licked her nose or some other minor discomfort, I would shout my own name slightly louder. Much like bogeys, but with 'rob' instead, mostly because I like to see the faces of the guys living next to me when I emerge from my room |
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| Zombies |
[Nov. 23rd, 2008|05:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | in a blood frenzy | ] |
Goddamn, if ever there is a zombie invasion, just point me to the nearest automatic combat shotgun, a car battery, a portable set of speakers and an ipod with the Offspring on it and stand well back. I'll make the undead wish they had never set foot outside of hell |
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| Day 56 |
[Nov. 13th, 2008|01:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
ALMOST caught by the fuzz while we were still on the buzz.
Cleveland police came calling today to knock on Elliots door regarding an attempted breakin to his room on monday morning at 4am (when we were high and in my room playing Fallout 3). LUCKILY he went away for the weekend and is back on teusday, becuase if they wandered in they'd see a quart and a huge blue bong with POLICE written down the side. Apparently some pikeys had been checking our windows that night and they caught them on camera. Interestingly, mahdi's car was also stolen that night, connection?
To add extra bacon to the pig-stravaganza, Aron got a hand-written email from the assistant Dean saying that the IT department had received an email from Paramount Pictures saying that aron had downloaded 'illegal material' so they took him off the internet. He went and had a chat with the assistant Dean and he said that everything was 'out of his hands', its up to IT if they give aron his internet back. What is most retarded is that everyone and their mum is downloading films, music and programmes up to their ears in woodlands 7, yet aron gets busted for downloading Paycheck? |
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| Day 39 |
[Oct. 26th, 2008|12:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  needing a poo | ] |
Owing to increased intakes of intoxicants and the incredible awesomeness of MOTHERFUCKING FAR CRY 2 I have become increasingly nocturnal, regularly hitting the hay at around 5 in the morning and not arising til 2. But thats okay, because every one of those hours was filled up playing MOTHERFUCKING FAR CRY 2. Which is very, very good. I even bought the strategy guide for it, something which I havn't done since I was 14 playing the original Black and White.
I've been here over a month now, and today is the first day where I'm going to have to knuckle down and do some written work. Until now its been dicking around on softimage XSI or drawing cartoons, but thanks to the moronic Professional Studies which counts for 40% of my final mark, I'm going to have to do some damn writing. Outrageous.
I'm going to have to cut this one short, as I have a beer poo stored up and ready to turtle head, so I'm going to grab my MOTHERFUCKING FAR CRY 2 strategy guide and hit the throne. I think I want to come down to Leicester to see all my hoes, just to make sure its an acceptable place for my homies to be
peace out |
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| Day 36 |
[Oct. 23rd, 2008|10:34 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  determined | ] |
Sarah came round over the weekend, it was really good seeing her again, plus I FINALLY got to show her around my uni which is, of course, better than any of your stinking universities.
Last week we had a two hour 'professional studies' (read: general studies but for grown-ups) session about using the LRC (read: library). TWO HOURS on how to get a sodding book out, followed by a half hour session looking around the damn place for your book. So I got a book out assuming I might use it (using softimage XSI) and what happened was EXACTLY what I thought it would. A week passed without me even taking the book out of the bag and receiving an angry email stating my book was two days overdue. Bah, fuck you, library.
Also: nachos make a delicious and nutritious alternative to a healthier breakfast |
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| Day 26 |
[Oct. 16th, 2008|05:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
So its just started sinking in that we've actually got to fend for ourselves for the rest of our lives now. We've officially got to the bottom of our personal stashes that we bought with us and I've got the paints out in a desperate attempt to claw back some cash. On the plus side, I have found out where all my music got to, so at least I've got something to listen to whilst I'm painting |
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| Day 24 |
[Oct. 14th, 2008|09:52 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  curious | ] |
I woke up fully clothed and unwashed this morning, having slept on all my clean washing. Once again I have NO idea how I got home, I didn't think I was even that drunk last night.
Bitches tried to make another beer line last night and failed heartily, it droops so low that you can't even see our shrine to chuck norris on the corridor wall.
Also; fuck the queen, I'm going to become an anti-monarchist because of her insidious and suicidal jumps into the bottom of my pint |
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| Day 21 |
[Oct. 11th, 2008|12:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  full | ] |
We had a UV Glowstick rave shindig at the student union last night, it was bare hilare. At the morning commune and reminisce in the hallway we realised none of us remember how and when we got home, we just clicked out at 1 in the morning.
What is interesting however is the state of the kitchen, which is covered in glowstick glass and UV paint. The clean washing up has become dirty washing up, the ceiling is as dirty as the floor and there is STILL two days of dirty washing in the sink. Conveniently one of the nurses on the floor above has offered to clean it top to bottom, washing and all, for a tenner. Fucking done deal I say, I just wonder what she has to say when she finds that health and safety have cut off our water supply until we clean up the state of our kitchen. |
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| Day 19 (morning) |
[Oct. 9th, 2008|10:05 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hungry | ] |
Early start (9 oclock lectures, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK) which means being up before the cleaners have arrived. This led to a very socially awkward situation where you see the cleaners approaching your flat but at the same speed as you, and you know if they twig that it is your flat that they spend longest cleaning, you will get their pent-up rage channelled directly at you.
So it was a race to get back into our flats and lock the doors to pretend we were asleep before the cleaners got there |
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| Day 17 |
[Oct. 7th, 2008|10:19 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
Uh-whoops, so much for posting every day. Point is, I saw sarah over the weekend (when I say weekend, I actually mean friday night, saturday night, sunday night and monday morning. Kind of an elongated weekend) and it was awesome. I love her to bits and she's coming down in two weeks to see what my accomodation looks like, because hertfordshire is a pile of wank. Oh yeah, and sex after two weeks abstinance is wonderful.
So I had my first tutorial or lab session, whatever you want to call it, yesterday. It was 'history of moving pictures' or rather 'watching really old films about kids teaching dogs to smoke pipes before tripping something awful and being taken to the moon by an angry ghost'. Yeah...
We were set some questions to find out about, mostly to teach us that the internet is weird and wonderful thing and can never beat visiting the library to look in books to find hard facts. THis is before I pointed out that you could just download those books via the internet and never have to leave your room. It was an hour long assignment which took us 15 minutes thanks to my internet jiggery-pokery, so the last 45 minutes was playing a huge LAN game of UT2004, which, I might add, is installed on EVERY single lab computer in the uni.
A quick AS-Junkyard later, and I realise that although some people are very good at UT, my team was useless enough that they couldn't work out how to change their name from 'Player' so it felt like my "constructive criticism" were levelled at bots.
I had the most awesome dream about being in a zombie invasion last night. Interestingly enough, this was the first dream I've had where I've used a gun and it has actually acted like a gun ie with the big bang and splatted zombie brains. Previously I've had to run around shouting 'BANG' and people would play dead, which is utterly lame. I still have a crosshair though. Realistic dreams may well be out of my grasp.. ho hum. |
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| Day 9 |
[Sep. 30th, 2008|06:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
The days just keep ROLLING by.
I woke up to find the poster of our Beloved Eva from the Nuts pull-out special edition defiled with a note from the health and safety inspectors. Turns out that two people had come snooping round in the early hours of yesterday morning, sussed out the terrible state of our kitchen and cleaned it up (roughly) for us. The note said that they will pop in again at any point in the next 7 weeks and if it's better, they won't think anything of it.
Now, what bothers me is what part of the kitchen bothered them the most, considering how many times the wardens had been in our kitchen (getting thoroughly wankered). It could have been any of the following:
- The mountains of unclean, two-day-old washing up
- The blood stains on the freezer (actually left by the warden himself)
- The interesting assortment of items and paraphernalia attached to the ceiling with blu-tack (deck of cards, ruler, kinder egg, chocolate bourbon, beer can etc)
In other news, we have signed up for a nectar card (for those who don't have one yet, I really recommend getting one) for the flat, so we all use it and then we can get huge money off the big beer runs under the name of Doctor Mclovin. We just hope we don't have to produce ID |
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| Day 7 (as far as I'm concerned) |
[Sep. 28th, 2008|02:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hungry | ] |
So yesterday we had an 'off-campus activity' which was just bowling followed by free buffet. Bowling was as bowling is, but they had some good cheap food there. Piri Piri chicken burger with onion rings in it, man I need to learn how to cook that shit, it was delicious with a capital DELI.
What was more ful-filling (geddit?) was the buffet after, which was just lots of party food. So out came the sainsburys carrier bags after everyone had finished and we filled our boots (and our bags) with garlic bread and pizza and whapped them in the freezer.
We've been living off microwaved garlic bread and pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner for two days now, I feel like a proper student already |
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| Day 6 (continued) |
[Sep. 26th, 2008|06:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  loved | ] |
I really should have had the foresight to add some extra damages to my inventory sheet when I looked round my room and kitchen. I mean, why didn't I think to add 'ketchup and biscuit stains' and 'unknown liquid dribbled on ALL the walls' to the sheet? cor dear |
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| Day 6 (probably) |
[Sep. 26th, 2008|12:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | calm | ] |
Very angrily awoken at half 10 after ANOTHER 4 in the morning bedtime by that fucking fire alarm, except this time it wasn't a "scheduled" alarm. Apparently they "schedule" an alarm to test it every thursday morning anywhere between 8 in the morning to 1 in the afternoon. Which means it always has to be as early as they can make it, the sadistic twats.
Last night we had another house party with a homemade cocktail theme, with everyone getting thoroughly drunk and us meeting the other two wardens of Woodlands Halls, including the head honcho who owns all 10 buildings. He got thoroughly drunk, knocked the stickiest cocktail all over the floor and kitchen surface, cut himself on the glass and bled a few litres all over the floor and fridge, whilst waving his arms enthusiastically. THe cleaner came in this morning, mopped up the cocktail stains and somehow cleaned around every blood splat.
Only in middlesbrough can you wake up to a student's kitchen with more bloodstains than beerstains |
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| Day 5 |
[Sep. 25th, 2008|10:21 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
God DAMN, so much for that early night. Also, its very difficult when you're half drunk and half asleep to work out the difference between your alarm clock and your fire alarm. No matter how hard you hit your alarm clock, the fire alarm will not go off |
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| Day 4 |
[Sep. 24th, 2008|12:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
Just come back from the most god-awful lecture, telling us the same USELESS stuff that they have been the past three days yadda yadda. WHO CARES, LET ME SLEEP
We had the most epic house party last night that went on til 4 in the morning, I woke up with the WORST hangover I think I have ever had then had to go to the aforementioned lecture. Remember those mattresses I told you about? Yeah..... After a brief period of mattress surfing down the residence's stairs, they functioned as crashmats and jump enhancers for the drunk and intoxicated.
The beer line was a great success as well, as we managed to practically fill it up in a night.
There was also a little brush with the Law, as the warden, turned up. We thought truancy bot would stick his fingers in our eyes, but instead he decided to join in the festivites. We couldn't really ask for a better chappy, he ended up getting more drunk than most of us.
And now I'm off to another lecture, summink about summink. Apparently, this lecture is the first where we actually get to SEE a computer. Shock horror! |
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| Day 3 |
[Sep. 23rd, 2008|12:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | complacent | ] |
...because I don't remember much of day 1 and day 2 ^_^
Okay, pictures are likely to follow once I get fully settled in. I've actually spent very little time at this screen and more time in front of a pint, so lets have a quick recap before my rice cooker goes off again. So instead of having any kind of timeline, here are bulletpoints of my awesome time in university
- Moving in was teary for the parents, refreshing and relieving for myself. Very much a sense of FINALLY nobody breathing down my neck anymore
- Each hall is split into houses, two houses on each floor. Ours is ground floor, house 1. Each house has 6 occupants of mixed sex, but because they seem to lump all the alike subjects together, all the animation students, programming guys etc are all together, so its pretty much y-chromosomes only. I was fearing the nerds from hell, but they are all ace - one of the guys looks like a cross between heath ledger and brentwood's own will walker.
- We put posters up to make it roomier, but in the corridors so everyone can enjoy them. We've got various 'confucious says' posters, street fighter, ghostbusters, 101 worst chatup lines and beer + beer = :D
- The chuck norris poster has been tomski'd - he has stars on his nips
- my rice cooker is a great success, but in one meal I have learnt a great deal about the solubility of oxo cubes
- you get LOTS of free stuff on the first few days. Take mucho advantago of it - go back three, four times at least.
- In each loot back was the following: useless adverts (roach paper), two money-off coupons for relentless, 110-15 tiny bottles of lea and perrins, anywhere between 2 and 5 tiny bottles of lynx chocolate spray, flavoured johnnies (I apparently got chocolate, which is the Mew of the flavoured condom world) and more adverts
- we now have a box in the kitchen with all the lea and perrins in it, on last count we have over 64 bottles
- we have both a cook and a clean-freak, and no anally retentive arseholes who hate to share their stuff, which is super effective.
- The view from my room is a boarded up building with barbed wire and CCTV jutting out of every orifice and a construction site
- we have bars on our windows
- Risotto rice, half a chicken oxo cube and a sachet of lea and perrins is the NICEST meal I've ever tasted that has been cooked by my own two mitts
- I lost my phone :'(
- A pint of Kronenbourg is £1.50 in the union bar
- A pint of fosters is 88p from the corner shop
- the pizza delivery guy knows the door codes to all the woodlands hall flats
- We have a 'communal room', or a lounge as they call it, but it looks more like an interrogation room, as it has NOTHING in it. It has a window, and is larger than all of our rooms, and most curiously has no power points. We got lucky though, as our lounge came with four new mattresses and a table, so after making a fort and protecting it from the guys in house 2 with pillows, we turned it into a soft play room
- We have a string running from one end of the corridor to the other which we tie our beer cans to, like booze-related fairie lights
- Steam downloads games at 800 - 1000 kb/s
- the network is moderately unprotected, so anyone who connects their xbox to I can steal all their music |
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| Radiohead |
[Sep. 12th, 2008|12:36 am] |
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You don't notice how many vowels are in a word until you read them drunk whilst upside down. The word 'radiohead' looks particularly bizarre |
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